Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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