I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
