she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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