you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
