Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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