I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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