The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
