yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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