I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The ass gains better be worth it
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