3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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