im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
A bitchslap is in order.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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