I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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