I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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