remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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