well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I will be naked everywhere
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sext me about skeletons
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
