How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
