nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
