Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
