Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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