So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
