Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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