I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
