2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
