hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
