Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
