I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
4 words: hood of his car
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize