if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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