I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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