dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
