I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
