shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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