I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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