he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
