I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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