I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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