Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
