whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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