I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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