My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize