she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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