How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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