____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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