I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
