Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
