I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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