That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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