It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
