I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
