You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
