Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
