he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
