wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
