why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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