Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
