as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
