I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
