So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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