Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
