watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
