My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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