i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
