dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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