So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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