Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
