Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
