the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
