i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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