wanna go halves on a baby?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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