Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
