God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
