Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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