Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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