i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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