I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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