y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
